CHAPTER XVIII

ButotherpassengerswereapproachingLincolnmeanwhilebyotherroadsonfoot.Acountytowndrawstheinhabitantsofallvicarages,farms,countryhouses,andwaysidecottages,withinaradiusoftenmilesatleast,onceortwiceaweektoitsstreetsandamongthem,onthisoccasion,wereRalphDenhamandMaryDatchet.Theydespisedtheroads,andtooktheirwayacrossthefieldsandyet,fromtheirappearance,itdidnotseemasiftheycaredmuchwheretheywalkedsolongasthewaydidnotactuallytripthemup.WhentheylefttheVicarage,theyhadbegunanargumentwhichswungtheirfeetalongsorhythmicallyintimewithitthattheycoveredthegroundatoverfourmilesanhour,andsawnothingofthehedgerows,theswellingplowland,orthemildbluesky.WhattheysawweretheHousesofParliamentandtheGovernmentOfficesinWhitehall.Theybothbelongedtotheclasswhichisconsciousofhavinglostitsbirthrightinthesegreatstructuresandisseekingtobuildanotherkindoflodgingforitsownnotionoflawandgovernment.Purposely,perhaps,MarydidnotagreewithRalphshelovedtofeelhermindinconflictwithhis,andtobecertainthathesparedherfemalejudgmentnoounceofhismalemuscularity.Heseemedtoargueasfiercelywithherasifshewerehisbrother.Theywerealike,however,inbelievingthatitbehoovedthemtotakeinhandtherepairandreconstructionofthefabricofEngland.Theyagreedinthinkingthatnaturehasnotbeengenerousintheendowmentofourcouncilors.Theyagreed,unconsciously,inamuteloveforthemuddyfieldthroughwhichtheytramped,witheyesnarrowedclosebytheconcentrationoftheirminds.Atlengththeydrewbreath,lettheargumentflyawayintothelimboofothergoodarguments,and,leaningoveragate,openedtheireyesforthefirsttimeandlookedaboutthem.Theirfeettingledwithwarmbloodandtheirbreathroseinsteamaroundthem.Thebodilyexercisemadethembothfeelmoredirectandlessself-consciousthanusual,andMary,indeed,wasovercomebyasortoflight-headednesswhichmadeitseemtoherthatitmatteredverylittlewhathappenednext.Itmatteredsolittle,indeed,thatshefeltherselfonthepointofsayingtoRalph: “IloveyouIshallneverloveanybodyelse.Marrymeorleavemethinkwhatyoulikeofme—Idon’tcareastraw.”Atthemoment,however,speechorsilenceseemedimmaterial,andshemerelyclappedherhandstogether,andlookedatthedistantwoodswiththerust-likebloomontheirbrown,andthegreenandbluelandscapethroughthesteamofherownbreath.Itseemedameretoss-upwhethershesaid,“Iloveyou,”orwhethershesaid,“Ilovethebeech-trees,”oronly“Ilove—Ilove.” “Doyouknow,Mary,”Ralphsuddenlyinterruptedher,“I’vemadeupmymind.” Herindifferencemusthavebeensuperficial,foritdisappearedatonce.Indeed,shelostsightofthetrees,andsawherownhanduponthetopmostbarofthegatewithextremedistinctness,whilehewenton: “I’vemadeupmymindtochuckmyworkandlivedownhere.Iwantyoutotellmeaboutthatcottageyouspokeof.However,Isupposethere’llbenodifficultyaboutgettingacottage,willthere?”Hespokewithanassumptionofcarelessnessasifexpectinghertodissuadehim. Shestillwaited,asifforhimtocontinueshewasconvincedthatinsomeroundaboutwayheapproachedthesubjectoftheirmarriage. “Ican’tstandtheofficeanylonger,”heproceeded.“Idon’tknowwhatmyfamilywillsaybutI’msureI’mright.Don’tyouthinkso?” “Livedownherebyyourself?”sheasked. “Someoldwomanwoulddoforme,Isuppose,”hereplied.“I’msickofthewholething,”hewenton,andopenedthegatewithajerk.Theybegantocrossthenextfieldwalkingsidebyside. “Itellyou,Mary,it’sutterdestruction,workingaway,dayafterday,atstuffthatdoesn’tmatteradamntoanyone.I’vestoodeightyearsofit,andI’mnotgoingtostanditanylonger.Isupposethisallseemstoyoumad,though?” BythistimeMaryhadrecoveredherself-control. “No.Ithoughtyouweren’thappy,”shesaid. “Whydidyouthinkthat?”heasked,withsomesurprise. “Don’tyourememberthatmorninginLincoln’sInnFields?”sheasked. “Yes,”saidRalph,slackeninghispaceandrememberingKatharineandherengagement,thepurpleleavesstampedintothepath,thewhitepaperradiantundertheelectriclight,andthehopelessnesswhichseemedtosurroundallthesethings. “You’reright,Mary,”hesaid,withsomethingofaneffort,“thoughIdon’tknowhowyouguessedit.” Shewassilent,hopingthathemighttellherthereasonofhisunhappiness,forhisexcuseshadnotdeceivedher. “Iwasunhappy—veryunhappy,”herepeated.SomesixweeksseparatedhimfromthatafternoonwhenhehadsatupontheEmbankmentwatchinghisvisionsdissolveinmistasthewatersswampastandthesenseofhisdesolationstillmadehimshiver.Hehadnotrecoveredintheleastfromthatdepression.Herewasanopportunityformakinghimselffaceit,ashefeltthatheoughttofor,bythistime,nodoubt,itwasonlyasentimentalghost,betterexorcisedbyruthlessexposuretosuchaneyeasMary’s,thanallowedtounderlieallhisactionsandthoughtsashadbeenthecaseeversincehefirstsawKatharineHilberypouringouttea.Hemustbegin,however,bymentioninghername,andthishefounditimpossibletodo.Hepersuadedhimselfthathecouldmakeanhoneststatementwithoutspeakinghernamehepersuadedhimselfthathisfeelinghadverylittletodowithher. “Unhappinessisastateofmind,”hesaid,“bywhichImeanthatitisnotnecessarilytheresultofanyparticularcause.” Thisratherstiltedbeginningdidnotpleasehim,anditbecamemoreandmoreobvioustohimthat,whateverhemightsay,hisunhappinesshadbeendirectlycausedbyKatharine. “Ibegantofindmylifeunsatisfactory,”hestartedafresh.“Itseemedtomemeaningless.”Hepausedagain,butfeltthatthis,atanyrate,wastrue,andthatontheselineshecouldgoon. “Allthismoney-makingandworkingtenhoursadayinanoffice,what’sitFOR?Whenone’saboy,yousee,one’sheadissofullofdreamsthatitdoesn’tseemtomatterwhatonedoes.Andifyou’reambitious,you’reallrightyou’vegotareasonforgoingon.Nowmyreasonsceasedtosatisfyme.PerhapsIneverhadany.That’sverylikelynowIcometothinkofit.(Whatreasonisthereforanything,though?)Still,it’simpossible,afteracertainage,totakeoneselfinsatisfactorily.AndIknowwhatcarriedmeon”—foragoodreasonnowoccurredtohim—“Iwantedtobethesaviorofmyfamilyandallthatkindofthing.Iwantedthemtogetonintheworld.Thatwasalie,ofcourse—akindofself-glorification,too.Likemostpeople,Isuppose,I’velivedalmostentirelyamongdelusions,andnowI’mattheawkwardstageoffindingitout.Iwantanotherdelusiontogoonwith.That’swhatmyunhappinessamountsto,Mary.” ThereweretworeasonsthatkeptMaryverysilentduringthisspeech,anddrewcuriouslystraightlinesuponherface.Inthefirstplace,Ralphmadenomentionofmarriageinthesecond,hewasnotspeakingthetruth. “Idon’tthinkitwillbedifficulttofindacottage,”shesaid,withcheerfulhardness,ignoringthewholeofthisstatement.“You’vegotalittlemoney,haven’tyou?Yes,”sheconcluded,“Idon’tseewhyitshouldn’tbeaverygoodplan.” Theycrossedthefieldincompletesilence.Ralphwassurprisedbyherremarkandalittlehurt,andyet,onthewhole,ratherpleased.HehadconvincedhimselfthatitwasimpossibletolayhiscasetruthfullybeforeMary,and,secretly,hewasrelievedtofindthathehadnotpartedwithhisdreamtoher.Shewas,ashehadalwaysfoundher,thesensible,loyalfriend,thewomanhetrustedwhosesympathyhecouldcountupon,providedhekeptwithincertainlimits.Hewasnotdispleasedtofindthatthoselimitswereveryclearlymarked.Whentheyhadcrossedthenexthedgeshesaidtohim: “Yes,Ralph,it’stimeyoumadeabreak.I’vecometothesameconclusionmyself.Onlyitwon’tbeacountrycottageinmycaseit’llbeAmerica.America!”shecried.“That’stheplaceforme!They’llteachmesomethingaboutorganizingamovementthere,andI’llcomebackandshowyouhowtodoit.” Ifshemeantconsciouslyorunconsciouslytobelittletheseclusionandsecurityofacountrycottage,shedidnotsucceedforRalph’sdeterminationwasgenuine.Butshemadehimvisualizeherinherowncharacter,sothathelookedquicklyather,asshewalkedalittleinfrontofhimacrosstheplowedfieldforthefirsttimethatmorninghesawherindependentlyofhimorofhispreoccupationwithKatharine.Heseemedtoseehermarchingahead,aratherclumsybutpowerfulandindependentfigure,forwhosecouragehefeltthegreatestrespect. “Don’tgoaway,Mary!”heexclaimed,andstopped. “That’swhatyousaidbefore,Ralph,”shereturned,withoutlookingathim.“Youwanttogoawayyourselfandyoudon’twantmetogoaway.That’snotverysensible,isit?” “Mary,”hecried,stungbytheremembranceofhisexactinganddictatorialwayswithher,“whatabruteI’vebeentoyou!” Ittookallherstrengthtokeepthetearsfromspringing,andtothrustbackherassurancethatshewouldforgivehimtillDoomsdayifhechose.Shewaspreservedfromdoingsoonlybyastubbornkindofrespectforherselfwhichlayattherootofhernatureandforbadesurrender,eveninmomentsofalmostoverwhelmingpassion.Now,whenallwastempestandhigh-runningwaves,sheknewofalandwherethesunshoneclearuponItaliangrammarsandfilesofdocketedpapers.Nevertheless,fromtheskeletonpallorofthatlandandtherocksthatbrokeitssurface,sheknewthatherlifetherewouldbeharshandlonelyalmostbeyondendurance.Shewalkedsteadilyalittleinfrontofhimacrosstheplowedfield.Theirwaytookthemroundthevergeofawoodofthintreesstandingattheedgeofasteepfoldintheland.Lookingbetweenthetree-trunks,Ralphsawlaidoutontheperfectlyflatandrichlygreenmeadowatthebottomofthehillasmallgraymanor-house,withponds,terraces,andclippedhedgesinfrontofit,afarmbuildingorsoattheside,andascreenoffir-treesrisingbehind,allperfectlyshelteredandself-sufficient.Behindthehousethehillroseagain,andthetreesonthefarthersummitstooduprightagainstthesky,whichappearedofamoreintensebluebetweentheirtrunks.HismindatoncewasfilledwithasenseoftheactualpresenceofKatharinethegrayhouseandtheintenseblueskygavehimthefeelingofherpresencecloseby.Heleantagainstatree,forminghernamebeneathhisbreath: “Katharine,Katharine,”hesaidaloud,andthen,lookinground,sawMarywalkingslowlyawayfromhim,tearingalongsprayofivyfromthetreesasshepassedthem.Sheseemedsodefinitelyopposedtothevisionheheldinhismindthathereturnedtoitwithagestureofimpatience. “Katharine,Katharine,”herepeated,andseemed