CHAPTER XIV

wnatthetable.SurelyMrs.SealmustrealizethatMaryhadbeenextraordinarilyefficient? “Butwegoatsuchasnail’space,”saidSally,shakingherheadimpatiently. AtthisMaryburstoutlaughing,andallherarrogancewasdissipated. “Youcanaffordtolaugh,”saidSally,withanothershakeofherhead,“butIcan’t.I’mfifty-five,andIdaresayIshallbeinmygravebythetimewegetit—ifweeverdo.” “Oh,no,youwon’tbeinyourgrave,”saidMary,kindly. “It’llbesuchagreatday,”saidMrs.Seal,withatossofherlocks.“Agreatday,notonlyforus,butforcivilization.That’swhatIfeel,youknow,aboutthesemeetings.Eachoneofthemisasteponwardsinthegreatmarch—humanity,youknow.Wedowantthepeopleafterustohaveabettertimeofit—andsomanydon’tseeit.Iwonderhowitisthattheydon’tseeit?” Shewascarryingplatesandcupsfromthecupboardasshespoke,sothathersentencesweremorethanusuallybrokenapart.Marycouldnothelplookingattheoddlittlepriestessofhumanitywithsomethinglikeadmiration.Whileshehadbeenthinkingaboutherself,Mrs.Sealhadthoughtofnothingbuthervision. “Youmustn’twearyourselfout,Sally,ifyouwanttoseethegreatday,”shesaid,risingandtryingtotakeaplateofbiscuitsfromMrs.Seal’shands. “Mydearchild,whatelseismyoldbodygoodfor?”sheexclaimed,clingingmoretightlythanbeforetoherplateofbiscuits.“Shouldn’tIbeproudtogiveeverythingIhavetothecause?—forI’mnotanintelligencelikeyou.Thereweredomesticcircumstances—I’dliketotellyouoneofthesedays—soIsayfoolishthings.Ilosemyhead,youknow.Youdon’t.Mr.Clactondoesn’t.It’sagreatmistake,toloseone’shead.Butmyheart’sintherightplace.AndI’msogladKithasabigdog,forIdidn’tthinkherlookingwell.” Theyhadtheirtea,andwentovermanyofthepointsthathadbeenraisedinthecommitteerathermoreintimatelythanhadbeenpossiblethenandtheyallfeltanagreeablesenseofbeinginsomewaybehindthescenesofhavingtheirhandsuponstringswhich,whenpulled,wouldcompletelychangethepageantexhibiteddailytothosewhoreadthenewspapers.Althoughtheirviewswereverydifferent,thissenseunitedthemandmadethemalmostcordialintheirmannerstoeachother. Mary,however,leftthetea-partyratherearly,desiringbothtobealone,andthentohearsomemusicattheQueen’sHall.ShefullyintendedtouseherlonelinesstothinkoutherpositionwithregardtoRalphbutalthoughshewalkedbacktotheStrandwiththisendinview,shefoundherminduncomfortablyfullofdifferenttrainsofthought.Shestartedoneandthenanother.Theyseemedeventotaketheircolorfromthestreetshehappenedtobein.ThusthevisionofhumanityappearedtobeinsomewayconnectedwithBloomsbury,andfadeddistinctlybythetimeshecrossedthemainroadthenabelatedorgan-grinderinHolbornsetherthoughtsdancingincongruouslyandbythetimeshewascrossingthegreatmistysquareofLincoln’sInnFields,shewascoldanddepressedagain,andhorriblyclear-sighted.Thedarkremovedthestimulusofhumancompanionship,andatearactuallysliddownhercheek,accompanyingasuddenconvictionwithinherthatshelovedRalph,andthathedidn’tloveher.Alldarkandemptynowwasthepathwheretheyhadwalkedthatmorning,andthesparrowssilentinthebaretrees.Butthelightsinherownbuildingsooncheeredherallthesedifferentstatesofmindweresubmergedinthedeepfloodofdesires,thoughts,perceptions,antagonisms,whichwashedperpetuallyatthebaseofherbeing,toriseintoprominenceinturnwhentheconditionsoftheupperworldwerefavorable.SheputoffthehourofclearthoughtuntilChristmas,sayingtoherself,asshelitherfire,thatitisimpossibletothinkanythingoutinLondonand,nodoubt,Ralphwouldn’tcomeatChristmas,andshewouldtakelongwalksintotheheartofthecountry,anddecidethisquestionandalltheothersthatpuzzledher.Meanwhile,shethought,drawingherfeetupontothefender,lifewasfullofcomplexitylifewasathingonemustlovetothelastfiberofit. Shehadsatthereforfiveminutesorso,andherthoughtshadhadtimetogrowdim,whentherecamearingatherbell.HereyebrightenedshefeltimmediatelyconvincedthatRalphhadcometovisither.Accordingly,shewaitedamomentbeforeopeningthedoorshewantedtofeelherhandssecureuponthereinsofallthetroublesomeemotionswhichthesightofRalphwouldcertainlyarouse.Shecomposedherselfunnecessarily,however,forshehadtoadmit,notRalph,butKatharineandWilliamRodney.Herfirstimpressionwasthattheywerebothextremelywelldressed.Shefeltherselfshabbyandslovenlybesidethem,anddidnotknowhowsheshouldentertainthem,norcouldsheguesswhy