CHAPTER X

ndwishedfornootherandbyrepeatingsuchphrasesheacquiredpunctualityandhabitsofwork,andcouldveryplausiblydemonstratethattobeaclerkinasolicitor’sofficewasthebestofallpossiblelives,andthatotherambitionswerevain. But,likeallbeliefsnotgenuinelyheld,thisonedependedverymuchupontheamountofacceptanceitreceivedfromotherpeople,andinprivate,whenthepressureofpublicopinionwasremoved,Ralphlethimselfswingveryrapidlyawayfromhisactualcircumstancesuponstrangevoyageswhich,indeed,hewouldhavebeenashamedtodescribe.Inthesedreams,ofcourse,hefiguredinnobleandromanticparts,butself-glorificationwasnottheonlymotiveofthem.Theygaveoutlettosomespiritwhichfoundnoworktodoinreallife,for,withthepessimismwhichhislotforceduponhim,Ralphhadmadeuphismindthattherewasnouseforwhat,contemptuouslyenough,hecalleddreams,intheworldwhichweinhabit.Itsometimesseemedtohimthatthisspiritwasthemostvaluablepossessionhehadhethoughtthatbymeansofithecouldsetfloweringwastetractsoftheearth,curemanyills,orraiseupbeautywherenonenowexisteditwas,too,afierceandpotentspiritwhichwoulddevourthedustybooksandparchmentsontheofficewallwithonelickofitstongue,andleavehiminaminutestandinginnakedness,ifhegavewaytoit.Hisendeavor,formanyyears,hadbeentocontrolthespirit,andattheageoftwenty-ninehethoughthecouldpridehimselfuponaliferigidlydividedintothehoursofworkandthoseofdreamsthetwolivedsidebysidewithoutharmingeachother.Asamatteroffact,thiseffortatdisciplinehadbeenhelpedbytheinterestsofadifficultprofession,buttheoldconclusiontowhichRalphhadcomewhenheleftcollegestillheldswayinhismind,andtingedhisviewswiththemelancholybeliefthatlifeformostpeoplecompelstheexerciseofthelowergiftsandwastesthepreciousones,untilitforcesustoagreethatthereislittlevirtue,aswellaslittleprofit,inwhatonceseemedtousthenoblestpartofourinheritance. Denhamwasnotaltogetherpopulareitherinhisofficeoramonghisfamily.Hewastoopositive,atthisstageofhiscareer,astowhatwasrightandwhatwrong,tooproudofhisself-control,and,asisnaturalinthecaseofpersonsnotaltogetherhappyorwellsuitedintheirconditions,tooapttoprovethefollyofcontentment,ifhefoundanyonewhoconfessedtothatweakness.Intheofficehisratherostentatiousefficiencyannoyedthosewhotooktheirownworkmorelightly,and,iftheyforetoldhisadvancement,itwasnotaltogethersympathetically.Indeed,heappearedtoberatherahardandself-sufficientyoungman,withaqueertemper,andmannersthatwereuncompromisinglyabrupt,whowasconsumedwithadesiretogetonintheworld,whichwasnatural,thesecriticsthought,inamanofnomeans,butnotengaging. Theyoungmenintheofficehadaperfectrighttotheseopinions,becauseDenhamshowednoparticulardesirefortheirfriendship.Helikedthemwellenough,butshutthemupinthatcompartmentoflifewhichwasdevotedtowork.Hitherto,indeed,hehadfoundlittledifficultyinarranginghislifeasmethodicallyashearrangedhisexpenditure,butaboutthistimehebegantoencounterexperienceswhichwerenotsoeasytoclassify.MaryDatchethadbegunthisconfusiontwoyearsagobyburstingintolaughteratsomeremarkofhis,almostthefirsttimetheymet.Shecouldnotexplainwhyitwas.Shethoughthimquiteastonishinglyodd.WhenheknewherwellenoughtotellherhowhespentMondayandWednesdayandSaturday,shewasstillmoreamusedshelaughedtillhelaughed,too,withoutknowingwhy.ItseemedtoherveryoddthatheshouldknowasmuchaboutbreedingbulldogsasanymaninEnglandthathehadacollectionofwildflowersfoundnearLondonandhisweeklyvisittooldMissTrotteratEaling,whowasanauthorityuponthe