Chapter VII. Enter the Aunts and Uncles

”saidMrDeane,takingsnuffvigorously,ashealwaysdidwhenwishingtomaintainaneutralposition. “What!doyouthinktheparson’llteachhimtoknowagoodsampleo’wheatwhenheseesit,neighbourTulliver?”saidMrGlegg,whowasfondofhisjest,andhavingretiredfrombusiness,feltthatitwasnotonlyallowablebutbecominginhimtotakeaplayfulviewofthings. “Why,yousee,I’vegotaplani’myheadaboutTom,”saidMrTulliver,pausingafterthatstatementandliftinguphisglass. “Well,ifImaybeallowedtospeak,andit’sseldomasIam,”saidMrsGlegg,withatoneofbittermeaning,“Ishouldliketoknowwhatgoodistocometotheboybybringin’himupabovehisfortin.” “Why,”saidMrTulliver,notlookingatMrsGlegg,butatthemalepartofhisaudience,“yousee,I’vemadeupmymindnottobringTomuptomyownbusiness.I’vehadmythoughtsaboutitallalong,andImadeupmymindbywhatIsawwithGarnettandhisson.Imeantoputhimtosomebusinessashecangointowithoutcapital,andIwanttogivehimaneddicationashe’llbeevenwi’thelawyersandfolks,andputmeuptoanotionnowan’then.” MrsGleggemittedalongsortofgutturalsoundwithclosedlips,thatsmiledinmingledpityandscorn. “It’udbeafinedealbetterforsomepeople,”shesaid,afterthatintroductorynote,“ifthey’dletthelawyersalone.” “Isheattheheadofagrammarschool,then,thisclergyman,suchasthatatMarketBewley?”saidMrDeane. “No,nothingofthat,”saidMrTulliver.“Hewon’ttakemorethantwoorthreepupils,andsohe’llhavethemoretimetoattendto’em,youknow.” “Ah,andgethiseddicationdonethesoonertheycan’tlearnmuchatatimewhenthere’ssomanyof’em,”saidunclePullet,feelingthathewasgettingquiteaninsightintothisdifficultmatter. “Buthe’llwantthemorepay,Idoubt,”saidMrGlegg. “Ay,ay,acoolhundredayear,that’sall,”saidMrTulliver,withsomeprideathisownspiritedcourse.“Butthen,youknow,it’saninvestmentTom’seddication’ullbesomuchcapitaltohim.” “Ay,there’ssomethinginthat,”saidMrGlegg.“Wellwell,neighbourTulliver,youmayberight,youmayberight: ‘Whenlandisgoneandmoney’sspent, Thenlearningismostexcellent.’ “IrememberseeingthosetwolineswroteonawindowatBuxton.Butusthathavegotnolearninghadbetterkeepourmoney,eh,neighbourPullet?”MrGleggrubbedhisknees,andlookedverypleasant. “MrGlegg,Iwonderatyou,”saidhiswife.“It’sveryunbecominginamano’yourageandbelongings.” “What’sunbecoming,MrsG.?”saidMrGlegg,winkingpleasantlyatthecompany.“MynewbluecoatasI’vegoton?” “Ipityyourweakness,MrGlegg.Isayit’sunbecomingtobemakingajokewhenyouseeyourownkingoingheadlongstoruin.” “Ifyoumeanmebythat,”saidMrTulliver,considerablynettled,“youneedn’ttroubleyourselftofretaboutme.Icanmanagemyownaffairswithouttroublingotherfolks.” “Blessme!”saidMrDeane,judiciouslyintroducinganewidea,“why,nowIcometothinkofit,somebodysaidWakemwasgoingtosendhisson—thedeformedlad—toaclergyman,didn’tthey,Susan?”(appealingtohiswife). “Icangivenoaccountofit,I’msure,”saidMrsDeane,closingherlipsverytightlyagain.MrsDeanewasnotawomantotakepartinascenewheremissileswereflying. “Well,”saidMrTulliver,speakingallthemorecheerfully,thatMrsGleggmightseehedidn’tmindher,“ifWakemthinkso’sendinghissontoaclergyman,dependonitIshallmakenomistakei’sendingTomtoone.Wakem’sasbigascoundrelasOldHarryevermade,butheknowsthelengthofeveryman’sfoothe’sgottodealwith.Ay,ay,tellmewho’sWakem’sbutcher,andI’lltellyouwheretogetyourmeat.” “ButlawyerWakem’sson’sgotahump-back,”saidMrsPullet,whofeltasifthewholebusinesshadafunerealaspect“it’smorenat’raltosendhimtoaclergyman.” “Yes,”saidMrGlegg,interpretingMrsPullet’sobservationwitherroneousplausibility,“youmustconsiderthat,neighbourTulliverWakem’ssonisn’tlikelytofollowanybusiness.Wakem’ullmakeagentlemanofhim,poorfellow.” “MrGlegg,”saidMrsG.,inatonewhichimpliedthatherindignationwouldfizzandoozealittle,thoughshewasdeterminedtokeepitcorkedup,“you’dfarbetterholdyourtongue.MrTulliverdoesn’twanttoknowyouropinionnormineeither.There’sfolksintheworldasknowbetterthaneverybodyelse.” “Why,Ishouldthinkthat’syou,ifwe’retotrustyourowntale,”saidMrTulliver,beginningtoboilupagain. “Oh,Isaynothing,”saidMrsGlegg,sarcastically.“Myadvicehasneverbeenasked,andIdon’tgiveit.” “It’llbethefirsttime,then,”saidMrTulliver.“It’stheonlythingyou’reover-readyatgiving.” “I’vebeenover-readyatlending,then,ifIhaven’tbeenover-readyatgiving,”saidMrsGlegg.“There’sfolksI’velentmoneyto,asperhapsIshallrepento’lendingmoneytokin.” “Come,come,come,”saidMrGlegg,soothingly.ButMrTulliverwasnottobehinderedofhisretort. “You’vegotabondforit,Ireckon,”hesaid“andyou’vehadyourfivepercent,kinornokin.” “Sister,”saidMrsTulliver,pleadingly,“drinkyourwine,andletmegiveyousomealmondsandraisins.” “Bessy,I’msorryforyou,”saidMrsGlegg,verymuchwiththefeelingofacurthatseizestheopportunityofdivertinghisbarktowardthemanwhocarriesnostick.“It’spoorworktalkingo’almondsandraisins.” “Lors,sisterGlegg,don’tbesoquarrelsome,”saidMrsPullet,beginningtocryalittle.“Youmaybestruckwithafit,gettingsoredinthefaceafterdinner,andwearebutjustouto’mourning,allofus,—andallwi’gownscrapedalikeandjustputbyit’sverybadamongsisters.” “Ishouldthinkitisbad,”saidMrsGlegg.“Thingsarecometoafinepasswhenonesisterinvitestheothertoherhouseo’purposetoquarrelwithherandabuseher.” “Softly,softly,Janebereasonable,bereasonable,”saidMrGlegg. Butwhilehewasspeaking,MrTulliver,whohadbynomeanssaidenoughtosatisfyhisanger,burstoutagain. “Whowantstoquarrelwithyou?”hesaid.“It’syouascan’tletpeoplealone,butmustbegnawingat’emforever.Ishouldneverwanttoquarrelwithanywomanifshekeptherplace.” “Myplace,indeed!”saidMrsGlegg,gettingrathermoreshrill.“There’syourbetters,MrTulliver,asaredeadandintheirgrave,treatedmewithadifferentsorto’respecttowhatyoudothoughI’vegotahusbandas’llsitbyandseemeabusedbythemas’udneverha’hadthechanceiftherehadn’tbeentheminourfamilyasmarriedworsethantheymightha’done.” “Ifyoutalko’that,”saidMrTulliver,“myfamily’sasgoodasyours,andbetter,forithasn’tgotadamnedill-temperedwomaninit!” “Well,”saidMrsGlegg,risingfromherchair,“Idon’tknowwhetheryouthinkit’safinethingtositbyandhearmesworeat,MrGleggbutI’mnotgoingtostayaminutelongerinthishouse.Youcanstaybehind,andcomehomewiththegig,andI’llwalkhome.” “Dearheart,dearheart!”saidMrGlegginamelancholytone,ashefollowedhiswifeoutoftheroom. “MrTulliver,howcouldyoutalkso?”saidMrsTulliver,withthetearsinhereyes. “Lethergo,”saidMrTulliver,toohottobedampedbyanyamountoftears.“Lethergo,andthesoonerthebettershewon’tbetryingtodomineerovermeagaininahurry.” “SisterPullet,”saidMrsTulliver,helplessly,“doyouthinkit’udbeanyuseforyoutogoafterherandtrytopacifyher?” “Betternot,betternot,”saidMrDeane.“You’llmakeitupanotherday.” “Then,sisters,shallwegoandlookatthechildren?”saidMrsTulliver,dryinghereyes. Nopropositioncouldhavebeenmoreseasonable.MrTulliverfeltverymuchasiftheairhadbeenclearedofobtrusivefliesnowthewomenwereoutoftheroom.TherewerefewthingshelikedbetterthanachatwithMrDeane,whosecloseapplicationtobusinessallowedthepleasureveryrarely.MrDeane,heconsidered,wasthe“knowingest”manofhisacquaintance,andhehadbesidesareadycausticityoftonguethatmadeanagreeablesupplementtoMrTulliver’sowntendencythatway,whichhadremainedinratheraninarticulatecondition.Andnowthewomenweregone,theycouldcarryontheirserioustalkwithoutfrivolousinterruption.TheycouldexchangetheirviewsconcerningtheDukeofWellington,whoseconductintheCatholicQuestionhadthrownsuchanentirelynewlightonhischaracterandspeakslightinglyofhisconductatthebattleofWaterloo,whichhewouldneverhavewoniftherehadn’tbeenagreatmanyEnglishmenathisback,nottospeakofBlucherandthePrussians,who,asMrTulliverhadheardfromapersonofparticularknowledgeinthatmatter,hadcomeupintheverynickoftimethoughheretherewasaslightdissidence,MrDeaneremarkingthathewasnotdisposedtogivemuchcredittothePrussians,—thebuildoftheirvessels,togetherwiththeunsatisfactorycharacteroftransactionsinDantzicbeer,inclininghimtoformratheralowviewofPrussianpluckgenerally.Ratherbeatenonthisground,MrTulliverproceededtoexpresshisfearsthatthecountrycouldneveragainbewhatitusedtobebutMrDeane,attachedtoafirmofwhichthereturnswereontheincrease,naturallytookamorelivelyviewofthepresent,andhadsomedetailstogiveconcerningthestateoftheimports,especiallyinhidesandspelter,whichsoothedMrTulliver’simaginationbythrowingintomoredistantperspectivetheperiodwhenthecountrywouldbecomeutterlythepreyofPapistsandRadicals,andtherewouldbenomorechanceforhonestmen. UnclePulletsatbyandlistenedwithtwinklingeyestothesehighmatters.Hedidn’tunderstandpoliticshimself,—thoughttheywereanaturalgift,—butbywhathecouldmakeout,thisDukeofWellingtonwasnobetterthanheshouldbe.