CHAPTER XI.

em,itwastoknownothing.Butitwastoteachmantoconcentratehimselfuponthemomentsofalifethatisitselfbutamoment. Therearefewofuswhohavenotsometimeswakenedbeforedawn,eitherafteroneofthosedreamlessnightsthatmakeusalmostenamouredofdeath,oroneofthosenightsofhorrorandmisshapenjoy,whenthroughthechambersofthebrainsweepphantomsmoreterriblethanrealityitself,andinstinctwiththatvividlifethatlurksinallgrotesques,andthatlendstoGothicartitsenduringvitality,thisartbeing,onemightfancy,especiallytheartofthosewhosemindshavebeentroubledwiththemaladyofreverie.Graduallywhitefingerscreepthroughthecurtains,andtheyappeartotremble.Inblackfantasticshapes,dumbshadowscrawlintothecornersoftheroomandcrouchthere.Outside,thereisthestirringofbirdsamongtheleaves,orthesoundofmengoingforthtotheirwork,orthesighandsobofthewindcomingdownfromthehillsandwanderingroundthesilenthouse,asthoughitfearedtowakethesleepersandyetmustneedscallforthsleepfromherpurplecave.Veilafterveilofthinduskygauzeislifted,andbydegreestheformsandcoloursofthingsarerestoredtothem,andwewatchthedawnremakingtheworldinitsantiquepattern.Thewanmirrorsgetbacktheirmimiclife.Theflamelesstapersstandwherewehadleftthem,andbesidethemliesthehalf-cutbookthatwehadbeenstudying,orthewiredflowerthatwehadwornattheball,ortheletterthatwehadbeenafraidtoread,orthatwehadreadtoooften.Nothingseemstouschanged.Outoftheunrealshadowsofthenightcomesbackthereallifethatwehadknown.Wehavetoresumeitwherewehadleftoff,andtherestealsoverusaterriblesenseofthenecessityforthecontinuanceofenergyinthesamewearisomeroundofstereotypedhabits,orawildlonging,itmaybe,thatoureyelidsmightopensomemorninguponaworldthathadbeenrefashionedanewinthedarknessforourpleasure,aworldinwhichthingswouldhavefreshshapesandcolours,andbechanged,orhaveothersecrets,aworldinwhichthepastwouldhavelittleornoplace,orsurvive,atanyrate,innoconsciousformofobligationorregret,theremembranceevenofjoyhavingitsbitternessandthememoriesofpleasuretheirpain. ItwasthecreationofsuchworldsasthesethatseemedtoDorianGraytobethetrueobject,oramongstthetrueobjects,oflifeandinhissearchforsensationsthatwouldbeatoncenewanddelightful,andpossessthatelementofstrangenessthatissoessentialtoromance,hewouldoftenadoptcertainmodesofthoughtthatheknewtobereallyalientohisnature,abandonhimselftotheirsubtleinfluences,andthen,having,asitwere,caughttheircolourandsatisfiedhisintellectualcuriosity,leavethemwiththatcuriousindifferencethatisnotincompatiblewitharealardouroftemperament,andthat,indeed,accordingtocertainmodernpsychologists,isoftenaconditionofit. ItwasrumouredofhimoncethathewasabouttojointheRomanCatholiccommunion,andcertainlytheRomanritualhadalwaysagreatattractionforhim.Thedailysacrifice,moreawfulreallythanallthesacrificesoftheantiqueworld,stirredhimasmuchbyitssuperbrejectionoftheevidenceofthesensesasbytheprimitivesimplicityofitselementsandtheeternalpathosofthehumantragedythatitsoughttosymbolize.Helovedtokneeldownonthecoldmarblepavementandwatchthepriest,inhisstiffflowereddalmatic,slowlyandwithwhitehandsmovingasidetheveilofthetabernacle,orraisingaloftthejewelled,lantern-shapedmonstrancewiththatpallidwaferthatattimes,onewouldfainthink,isindeedthe“panisc?lestis,”thebreadofangels,or,robedinthegarmentsofthePassionofChrist,breakingtheHostintothechaliceandsmitinghisbreastforhissins.Thefumingcensersthatthegraveboys,intheirlaceandscarlet,tossedintotheairlikegreatgiltflowershadtheirsubtlefascinationforhim.Ashepassedout,heusedtolookwithwonderattheblackconfessionalsandlongtositinthedimshadowofoneofthemandlistentomenandwomenwhisperingthroughtheworngratingthetruestoryoftheirlives. Butheneverfellintotheerrorofarrestinghisintellectualdevelopmentbyanyformalacceptanceofcreedorsystem,orofmistaking,forahouseinwhichtolive,aninnthatisbutsuitableforthesojournofanight,orforafewhoursofanightinwhichtherearenostarsandthemoonisintravail.Mysticism,withitsmarvellouspowerofmakingcommonthingsstrangetous,andthesubtleantinomianismthatalwaysseemstoaccompanyit,movedhimforaseasonandforaseasonheinclinedtothematerialisticdoctrinesoftheDarwinismusmovementinGermany,andfoundacuriouspleasureintracingthethoughtsandpassionsofmentosomepearlycellinthebrain,orsomewhitenerveinthebody,delightingintheconceptionoftheabsolutedependenceofthespiritoncertainphysicalconditions,morbidorhealthy,normalordiseased.Yet,ashasbeensaidofhimbefore,notheoryoflifeseemedtohimtobeofanyimportancecomparedwithlifeitself.Hefeltkeenlyconsciousofhowbarrenallintellectualspeculationiswhenseparatedfromactionandexperiment.Heknewthatthesenses,nolessthanthesoul,havetheirspiritualmysteriestoreveal. Andsohewouldnowstudyperfumesandthesecretsoftheirmanufacture,distillingheavilyscentedoilsandburningodorousgumsfromtheEast.Hesawthattherewasnomoodofthemindthathadnotitscounterpartinthesensuouslife,andsethimselftodiscovertheirtruerelations,wonderingwhattherewasinfrankincensethatmadeonemystical,andinambergristhatstirredone’spassions,andinvioletsthatwokethememoryofdeadromances,andinmuskthattroubledthebrain,andinchampakthatstainedtheimaginationandseekingoftentoelaboratearealpsychologyofperfumes,andtoestimatetheseveralinfluencesofsweet-smellingrootsandscented,pollen-ladenflowersofaromaticbalmsandofdarkandfragrantwoodsofspikenard,thatsickensofhovenia,thatmakesmenmadandofaloes,thataresaidtobeabletoexpelmelancholyfromthesoul. Atanothertimehedevotedhimselfentirelytomusic,andinalonglatticedroom,withavermilion-and-goldceilingandwallsofolive-greenlacquer,heusedtogivecuriousconcertsinwhichmadgipsiestorewildmusicfromlittlezithers,orgrave,yellow-shawledTunisianspluckedatthestrainedstringsofmonstrouslutes,whilegrinningNegroesbeatmonotonouslyuponcopperdrumsand,crouchinguponscarletmats,slimturbanedIndiansblewthroughlongpipesofreedorbrassandcharmed—orfeignedtocharm—greathoodedsnakesandhorriblehornedadders.TheharshintervalsandshrilldiscordsofbarbaricmusicstirredhimattimeswhenSchubert’sgrace,andChopin’sbeautifulsorrows,andthemightyharmoniesofBeethovenhimself,fellunheededonhisear.Hecollectedtogetherfromallpartsoftheworldthestrangestinstrumentsthatcouldbefound,eitherinthetombsofdeadnationsoramongthefewsavagetribesthathavesurvivedcontactwithWesterncivilizations,andlovedtotouchandtrythem.HehadthemysteriousjuruparisoftheRioNegroIndians,thatwomenarenotallowedtolookatandthatevenyouthsmaynotseetilltheyhavebeensubjectedtofastingandscourging,andtheearthenjarsofthePeruviansthathavetheshrillcriesofbirds,andflutesofhumanbonessuchasAlfonsodeOvalleheardinChile,andthesonorousgreenjaspersthatarefoundnearCuzcoandgiveforthanoteofsingularsweetness.HehadpaintedgourdsfilledwithpebblesthatrattledwhentheywereshakenthelongclarinoftheMexicans,intowhichtheperformerdoesnotblow,butthroughwhichheinhalestheairtheharshtureoftheAmazontribes,thatissoundedbythesentinelswhositalldaylonginhightrees,andcanbeheard,itissaid,atadistanceofthreeleaguestheteponaztli,thathastwovibratingtonguesofwoodandisbeatenwithsticksthataresmearedwithanelasticgumobtainedfromthemilkyjuiceofplant