CHAPTER II

aidofsomething,shethoughtbitterly.Fromtheverydawnofrecollection,whenshehadbeensohorriblyafraidofthebigblackbearthatlived,soCousinSticklestoldher,intheclosetunderthestairs. “AndIalwayswillbe—Iknowit—Ican’thelpit.Idon’tknowwhatitwouldbelikenottobeafraidofsomething.” Afraidofhermother’ssulkyfits—afraidofoffendingUncleBenjamin—afraidofbecomingatargetforAuntWellington’scontempt—afraidofAuntIsabel’sbitingcomments—afraidofUncleJames’disapproval—afraidofoffendingthewholeclan’sopinionsandprejudices—afraidofnotkeepingupappearances—afraidtosaywhatshereallythoughtofanything—afraidofpovertyinheroldage.Fear—fear—fear—shecouldneverescapefromit.Itboundherandenmeshedherlikeaspider’swebofsteel.OnlyinherBlueCastlecouldshefindtemporaryrelease.AndthismorningValancycouldnotbelieveshehadaBlueCastle.Shewouldneverbeabletofinditagain.Twenty-nine,unmarried,undesired—whathadshetodowiththefairy-likechatelaineoftheBlueCastle?Shewouldcutsuchchildishnonsenseoutofherlifeforeverandfacerealityunflinchingly. Sheturnedfromherunfriendlymirrorandlookedout.Theuglinessoftheviewalwaysstruckherlikeablowtheraggedfence,thetumble-downoldcarriage-shopinthenextlot,plasteredwithcrude,violentlycolouredadvertisementsthegrimyrailwaystationbeyond,withtheawfulderelictsthatwerealwayshangingarounditevenatthisearlyhour.Inthepouringraineverythinglookedworsethanusual,especiallythebeastlyadvertisement,“Keepthatschoolgirlcomplexion.”Valancyhadkeptherschoolgirlcomplexion.Thatwasjustthetrouble.Therewasnotagleamofbeautyanywhere—“exactlylikemylife,”thoughtValancydrearily.Herbriefbitternesshadpassed.Sheacceptedfactsasresignedlyasshehadalwaysacceptedthem.Shewasoneofthepeoplewhomlifealwayspassesby.Therewasnoalteringthatfact. InthismoodValancywentdowntobreakfast.