CHAPTER XLI

FardifferentwasLeonard’sdevelopment.ThemonthsafterOniton,whateverminortroublestheymightbringhim,wereallovershadowedbyRemorse.WhenHelenlookedbackshecouldphilosophise,orshecouldlookintothefutureandplanforherchild.Butthefathersawnothingbeyondhisownsin.Weeksafterwards,inthemidstofotheroccupations,hewouldsuddenlycryout,“Brute—youbrute,Icouldn’thave—”andberentintotwopeoplewhohelddialogues.Orbrownrainwoulddescend,blottingoutfacesandthesky.EvenJackynoticedthechangeinhim.Mostterriblewerehissufferingswhenheawokefromsleep.Sometimeshewashappyatfirst,butgrewconsciousofaburdenhangingtohimandweighingdownhisthoughtswhentheywouldmove.Orlittleironsscorchedhisbody.Oraswordstabbedhim.Hewouldsitattheedgeofhisbed,holdinghisheartandmoaning,“OhwhatSHALLIdo,whateverSHALLIdo?”Nothingbroughtease.Hecouldputdistancebetweenhimandthetrespass,butitgrewinhissoul. Remorseisnotamongtheeternalverities.TheGreekswererighttodethroneher.Heractionistoocapricious,asthoughtheErinyesselectedforpunishmentonlycertainmenandcertainsins.AndofallmeanstoregenerationRemorseissurelythemostwasteful.Itcutsawayhealthytissueswiththepoisoned.Itisaknifethatprobesfardeeperthantheevil.Leonardwasdrivenstraightthroughitstormentsandemergedpure,butenfeebled—abetterman,whowouldneverlosecontrolofhimselfagain,butalsoasmallerman,whohadlesstocontrol.Nordidpuritymeanpeace.Theuseoftheknifecanbecomeahabitashardtoshakeoffaspassionitself,andLeonardcontinuedtostartwithacryoutofdreams. Hebuiltupasituationthatwasfarenoughfromthetruth.ItneveroccurredtohimthatHelenwastoblame.Heforgottheintensityoftheirtalk,thecharmthathadbeenlenthimbysincerity,themagicofOnitonunderdarknessandofthewhisperingriver.Helenlovedtheabsolute.Leonardhadbeenruinedabsolutely,andhadappearedtoherasamanapart,isolatedfromtheworld.Arealman,whocaredforadventureandbeauty,whodesiredtolivedecentlyandpayhisway,whocouldhavetravelledmoregloriouslythroughlifethanthejuggernautcarthatwascrushinghim.MemoriesofEvie’sweddinghadwarpedher,thestarchedservants,theyardsofuneatenfood,therustleofoverdressedwomen,motor-carsoozinggreaseonthegravel,apretentiousband.Shehadtastedtheleesofthisonherarrivalinthedarkness,afterfailure,theyintoxicatedher.Sheandthevictimseemedaloneinaworldofunreality,andshelovedhimabsolutely,perhapsforhalfanhour. Inthemorningshewasgone.Thenotethatsheleft,tenderandhystericalintone,andintendedtobemostkind,hurtherloverterribly.Itwasasifsomeworkofarthadbeenbrokenbyhim,somepictureintheNationalGalleryslashedoutofitsframe.Whenherecalledhertalentsandhersocialposition,hefeltthatthefirstpasser-byhadarighttoshoothimdown.Hewasafraidofthewaitressandtheportersattherailway-station.Hewasafraidatfirstofhiswife,thoughlaterhewastoregardherwithastrangenewtenderness,andtothink,“Thereisnothingtochoosebetweenus,afterall.” TheexpeditiontoShropshirecrippledtheBastspermanently.Heleninherflightforgottosettlethehotelbill,andtooktheirreturnticketsawaywithhertheyhadtopawnJacky’sbanglestogethome,andthesmashcameafewdaysafterwards.ItistruethatHelenofferedhimfivethousandpounds,butsuchasummea