CHAPTER XVIII
關燈
小
中
大
tobemywife.”
Sodeepalreadywashersympathy,thatwhenhesaid,“Iamaskingyoutobemywife,”shemadeherselfgivealittlestart.Shemustshowsurpriseifheexpectedit.Animmensejoycameoverher.Itwasindescribable.Ithadnothingtodowithhumanity,andmostresembledtheall-pervadinghappinessoffineweather.Fineweatherisduetothesun,butMargaretcouldthinkofnocentralradiancehere.Shestoodinhisdrawing-roomhappy,andlongingtogivehappiness.Onleavinghimsherealisedthatthecentralradiancehadbeenlove.
“Youaren’toffended,MissSchlegel?”
“HowcouldIbeoffended?”
Therewasamoment’spause.Hewasanxioustogetridofher,andsheknewit.Shehadtoomuchintuitiontolookathimashestruggledforpossessionsthatmoneycannotbuy.Hedesiredcomradeshipandaffection,buthefearedthem,andshe,whohadtaughtherselfonlytodesire,andcouldhaveclothedthestrugglewithbeauty,heldback,andhesitatedwithhim.
“Good-bye,”shecontinued.“Youwillhavealetterfromme—IamgoingbacktoSwanageto-morrow.”
“Thankyou.”
“Good-bye,andit’syouIthank.”
“Imayorderthemotorround,mayn’tI?”
“Thatwouldbemostkind.”
“IwishIhadwritten.OughtItohavewritten?”
“Notatall.”
“There’sjustonequestion—”
Sheshookherhead.Helookedalittlebewilderedastheyparted.
Theypartedwithoutshakinghandsshehadkepttheinterview,forhissake,intintsofthequietestgrey.Shethrilledwithhappinessereshereachedherhouse.Othershadlovedherinthepast,ifoneapplytotheirbriefdesiressograveaword,buttheothershadbeen“ninnies”—youngmenwhohadnothingtodo,oldmenwhocouldfindnobodybetter.Andshehadoften‘loved,’too,butonlysofarasthefactsofsexdemanded:mereyearningsforthemasculinesextobedismissedforwhattheywereworth,withasigh.Neverbeforehadherpersonalitybeentouched.Shewasnotyoungorveryrich,anditamazedherthatamanofanystandingshouldtakeherseriously.Asshesat,tryingtodoaccountsinheremptyhouse,amidstbeautifulpicturesandnoblebooks,wavesofemotionbroke,asifatideofpassionwasflowingthroughthenightair.Sheshookherhead,triedtoconcentrateherattention,andfailed.Invaindidsherepeat:“ButI’vebeenthroughthissortofthingbefore.”Shehadneverbeenthroughitthebigmachinery,asopposedtothelittle,hadbeensetinmotion,andtheideathatMr.Wilcoxloved,obsessedherbeforeshecametolovehiminreturn.
Shewouldcometonodecisionyet.“Oh,sir,thisissosudden”—thatprudishphraseexactlyexpressedherwhenhertimecame.Premonitionsarenotpreparation.ShemustexaminemorecloselyherownnatureandhisshemusttalkitoverjudiciallywithHelen.Ithadbeenastrangelove-scene—thecentralradianceunacknowledgedfromfirsttolast.She,inhisplace,wouldhavesaidIchliebedich,butperhapsitwasnothishabittoopentheheart.Hemighthavedoneitifshehadpressedhim—asamatterofduty,perhapsEnglandexpectseverymantoopenhisheartoncebuttheeffortwouldhavejarredhim,andnever,ifshecouldavoidit,shouldhelosethosedefencesthathehadchosentoraiseagainsttheworld.Hemustneverbebotheredwithemotionaltalk,orwithadisplayofsympathy.Hewasanelderlymannow,anditwouldbefutileandimpudenttocorrecthim.
Mrs.Wilcoxstrayedinandout,everawelcomeghostsurveyingthescene,thoughtMargaret,withoutonehintofbitterness.
